When Purple Monkeys BITE
by Kiheada.Ray.T
Summary: Twilight Version of the Randomly Delicious series. Bella & Edward have survived all the obstacles in their path, so dealing with a crazy & random teenage girl from a diff. universe should be easy, right? Read as I create chaos as usual. Plenty of OCs. BxE
1. Will The Real Edward C Please Shut Up?

**When Purple Monkeys BITE: The Twilight Version (Not Zone, **_**Version**_

**Chapter 1: Will The Real Edward Cullen Please Shut Up!?**

**Disclaimer: ****I do not own any Twilight characters nor do I own any of the books except in paper and hard-back. I own all OCs though, but any songs mentioned I probably don't own unless I say so. With that said, let the randomness BEGIN!**

_Okay, I should probably be kicking myself for starting another fic, but who cares, I do what I want when I want, and if the people waiting on me to update my other fics are mad…I'm sorry, truly I am, but I have the dreaded WRITER'S BLOCK!!!! OH NO!!!!! Oh, and this will be the only sensible paragraph in this whole entire thing. Beware, you just might lose your insanity…and like it…DOTS!_

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Once again I'm sitting at my computer, having read the newest book to my favorite vampire series, _Eclipse_. I'm looking at all the interesting titles of fan fictions about the series when all of a sudden…THE SWIRLY BLACK HOLE OF DOOM IS BACK!!! NOOOOOOO!!! NOT AGAIN!!!! Oh hey, if you make me land on someone again, can I land on Edward? He's soooooooooooo hawt!!!!!!!

So I'm being flipped around in the Swirly Black Hole of DOOM as usual, so by now I'm acting as if I'm floating among the clouds, until I get hit, that is…

"Stupid Evil Ginormous Man-Eating Venus Fly Trap, watch where you're going!" I yell at the large and fanged plant and it hisses at me.

"Yeah, yeah, go suck on some mutated fly guts!" I reply.

"Excuse me?" I hear a velvety sweet voice say. I freeze and realize that I'm…stuck in a tree? When did that happen? Maybe when I was yelling at the man-eating Venus fly trap…

Anyways, I turn slowly around to see Edward staring up at me with a quizzical expression on his face, its dark out, but I can make out other figures. We were in the woods, at least I think, and I had a bad feeling about this…

"Excuse what? Who are you talking to?" I heard another voice ask. This one was deeper sounding, so I guessed it was Emmet since I couldn't remember a time when Carlisle went hunting with them and I didn't think Jasper had a deep voice…he sounds hawt too….

Oh.My.Bob.

I was in the woods, it was dark, and there were vampires…

THEY WERE HUNTING!!! OH MY BOB OH MY BOB OH MY BOB PLEASE DON'T EAT ME!!!!!

I restrained myself from screaming the above and held very still as Edward answered.

"I thought I just heard someone say to go suck on some mutated fly guts…maybe I'm just hearing things- no pun intended."

"Yeah, it's probably just because you're thirsty. Although I never knew you to be _that _delusional, how long has it really been since you last fed?" Emmet asked.

I gulped and hoped they would take it as more delusional-ness, however, since my luck is about as good as Bella's, I heard a small, musical voice pipe up with: "Did you just hear that? I think something's here. Can you smell it?"

'_Oh God, Oh God, Oh God…I'ma die, I'ma die, OH MY BOB WHAT IS THAT!?' _I shriek in my mind as I feel something crawling over me.

"Yeah, I smell it; it's in that tree…dinner time." Emmet said. I can hear them get closer to where I'm stuck and I feel more things crawling on me, so I do the only sensible thing a person who has just been transported to a different universe through an Evil Swirly Black Hole of DOOM can do...

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! SPIDERS!!!!!! GET THEM OFF!!!!! AHHHHH!!!!! VAMPIRES!!!! DON'T EAT ME!!!!!!!!! I'M ALLERGIC TO HUMAN SACRIFICE!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! POTATOES!!!!!!" I scream and drop to the ground.

At this moment I'm glad for being short, because that makes me fast, as soon as I hit the ground I run, but I don't know where I'm going, so I end up tripping on some branches and bumping into a tree. Stupid branches and tree. I'll burn you down for that.

"Uh, what was that?" I hear someone ask and then I sense some presences nearby. I am completely silent.

"I think it was a human…it sounded like a little girl." Emmet says.

"I AM NOT LITTLE YOU'RE JUST INSANELY HUGE!!!!! Oops…DARN IT!" I yell.

I feel two cold hands grab me and as usual I squeak. "Well, whatever it is, it can talk, has a big attitude, and squeaks. Must be a mutated squirrel, can I eat it?" I hear Emmet say.

"No! It could be a human! And if it is…" I think it's Jasper who says this.

"Then we eat it!" Emmet finishes. I squeak again and wonder who's got a hold of me, because if it's a guy… (Starts whistling)

I hear a loud crash and then realize that Rosalie must have slapped Emmet because then she says, "That isn't even close to being humorous mister! I swear you can be so insensitive sometimes!"

"What!? It said I was insanely huge! It could very well be a mutated squirrel!" Emmet retorts. I start to think of ways to get out of this…darn you inhuman strength! If the person who's hands were clutching mine were a normal human I could get out of their hold, but nooooooooo I had to be restrained by a vampire…..I shall get thee, Evil Swirly Black Hole of DOOM!

"Emmet, please, you're being absurd, besides, if this is a human then she must be scared out of her mind! We should take her to Carlisle; he'll know what to do with her." Edward said, extremely close, it must be him that's holding me…well, in that case… (Wiggles eyebrows) hehehe…

"I agree." I think Alice said this.

"But I'm thirsty! Jasper, help me out here! It could very well be a mutated squirrel or something!" Emmet said.

"That is so not fair…" Jasper says.

"Yes it is!" Emmet says.

"Emmet…"

"Jasper…"

"Emmet…"

"Rosalie…"

"Emmet!"

"Alice!"

"Edward…"

"NIKI!" I scream uncontrollably.

It gets silent.

"I still think it's a mutated squirrel." Emmet says quietly.

"And I think you're an idiot!" Rosalie yells.

I hear someone sigh, maybe Edward, either way it sent shivers up my spine…the good kind of shivers…oh I'm so bad…Bella forgive me…

"Uh, first of all, I'm not a mutated squirrel, sorry mate; second of all, I am seriously going to need therapy after this…" I tell them.

"Are you human?" someone asks, I can't tell.

"Define human…" I respond.

"…Mortal."

I sigh. "Unfortunately." I say.

"Are you male or female?" another question.

"Depends…" I say, enjoying being the annoying pain in the butt that I truly am even in the face of danger like this. I love me.

Another sigh. "Just answer the question."

"Female, and I'm single." I sing and grin.

There's an awkward silence. I love those. I love interrupting them too.

"Seriously, vampires rock my socks, although werewolves aren't that bad either…" I say.

Someone clears their throat. "Uh, let's just take her to Carlisle."

"I'm surprised you're handling this so well. How do you know about vampires?" Edward asks me.

"Everyone knows about vampires, it's just how they perceive to believe in you that differentiate the normal humans and the weird ones…I'm in the latter category." I respond.

"I assume it's the same about werewolves?" he asks again.

"Yes." I reply.

"And you're not scared at all?" he asks, sounding surprised and wary.

"Kinda, but I…uh…have heard that there are some vampires around here that don't harm humans. I'm assuming that's you. Besides, there were spiders crawling all over me, I'm more afraid of them and roaches than a lot of other things I should be afraid of." I tell him.

"Interesting." He says.

I can see a ginormous mansion ahead of me, my eyes are as wide as saucers, literally, I throw the two plates I was using to calculate exactly how large my eyes were into the woods and they crashed against a tree.

"So…uh…what's gonna happen to me, do you think?" I ask uneasily. Although vampires indeed rock my socks, I'm Christian, and I would rather enjoy the Paradise that God has prepared for me than live in this idiotic world for all eternity, I would seriously go insane…if I'm not already.

"I'm not sure, but since you don't seem the type to blabber about us being vampires, he probably wouldn't be as drastic enough to change you into one." Edward said, the he being Carlisle.

"Ah, you don't know me very well…" I say and grin. He stops and tightens his hold. "Excuse me?" it wasn't a question, it was a warning.

"Just kidding…" I say.

"Good." He said in a cold tone, just like before.

'_Sheesh, pull that stick out of you ass, why don't ya? Oh wait…he can hear my thoughts…' _I think.

"Yes, I can, and how did you know that?" he asked sharply.

"Uhhh, my bologna has a first name?" I say in hopes he'll take me for some crazed girl who has no idea what's going on.

"That's very immature." He responds. _'Curse you mind reader!' _I think and growl.

"And so was that." He replies, I think he's grinning, he sure sounds amused.

"I swear if you weren't so hot and hard as stone I'd kick you in the nuts and laugh maniacally as you scream and cry for your mommy…" I say darkly.

"And if you weren't a human but in fact a mutated squirrel you'd be dead by now, making life so simple." He said with unusual hatred.

'_Stephanie Meyer must have seriously watered down her version of him, or else he's being extremely pissy tonight…if you can hear this I advise you or at least Bella to get that stick out of your ass, seriously, I'm sure it'll feel a whole lot better…' _I think.

He growls a sexy though threatening growl and I simply grin like the annoying brat I am. Thank God we were close enough for Carlisle to come to my rescue if the need be…wahaha I'm a bad man…I mean woman…yeah.

"Edward, the others told me what happened. Bring her inside, please." I hear Carlisle. Wow that was great timing, I could've swore I was just about to be thrown around or something…although that wouldn't exactly be unusual since I'm really short for my age.

So I'm brought into the mansion and sat down in front of Carlisle who is hotter than I had imagined. Yesssssssssssssss!

"So, what was your name?" he asks politely.

"Niki, but you can call me Jak." I say.

"Uh, right…Jak. How did you get in the forest? Were you lost? I'd be happy to return you to your home if you'd be so kind as to not reveal our secret." He told me.

"Well, I'm pretty sure you wouldn't believe me if I told you." I told him.

"Oh I'm sure it can't be too absurd. If Emmet, who has been around for a few centuries or so, can still believe there are such things as mutated squirrels than I don't suppose your story can be worse." He said.

"Trust me. It is. Even I don't understand it completely." I tell him with an odd look as I sometimes get.

"Try me." He says and smiles.

I can't resist, must be something about the eyes…

"Well, where I come from, a wonderfully delicious person named Stephanie Meyer wrote some books about you guys and I read them. After I finished the last book I was looking on the computer at all the fan fictions (stories having to do with your own story) when all of a sudden the Swirly Black Hole of DOOM appears and swallows me up again, as it has been doing lately, and transported me to this universe, where I somehow got stuck in a tree and they heard me and thought I was a mutated squirrel, (or at least Emmet did), and I had to convince them that I was human but was completely okay with the fact that they were vampires." I say without taking a breath because I'm cool like that.

He stares at me with a weird and wary expression on his face for a long time.

"I told ya, and you didn't believe me, humph." Alice said as she glided by.

"Uh, right. Well, if it weren't for Alice's premonitions I wouldn't have believed you, I'm afraid to say. However, it seems your story checks out. You said you've been through this before?" he says.

"Yep, I went to the Gundam Seed universe t eh first time, that was fun, then I was transported to the Yu Yu Hakusho universe, that was funner, and then I was transported to the Eragon universe, which was interesting to say the least. I'm wondering how this will turn out. Oooooo, have you seen a black-haired, red-eyed, sexy boytoy named Shinn around lately?" I say.

"Shinn? Afraid not. Well, at least you're not completely lost. Although I'm not sure what part of the 'series' you're at." He said.

"Hm, you'll probably see him soon. Yeah, I'm not completely lost, has Edward met Bella yet?" I ask.

"Yes." He replies.

"Has James tried to kill her yet?" I ask again.

"Yes, that was a year or two ago." He said.

"Oh, so this is probably during Eclipse, after Bella went to get Edward before eh got killed by the Volturi because he thought Bella was dead because she was sad that he left her and all that jazz." I say.

"…Yes." He said.

"So what was the latest thing that happened?" I ask.

"Victoria and the newborn vampires have been killed; Edward and Bella are planning on getting married." He told me.

"Oh, cool, at the end of Eclipse, and then they're gonna have a nice time in bed and then he'll change her into a vampire. Nice, I wonder how much I can screw up before that…." Eh gave me a wary and dangerous look.

"Not in a bad way, my luck is about as bad as Bella's, unfortunately. Maybe that's why the Swirly Black Hole of DOOM decided to throw me around the different universes, although I'm glad that I got to meet my favorite anime characters along with the Alagaesia gang. This is also pretty cool. It's just that I usually have a comrade in destruction…like Shinn or one of my normal human friends…" I say.

"I see, who or what exactly is Shinn?" he asked cautiously.

"A coordinator from the Gundam Seed Destiny universe who is the boyfriend of Satan's Spawn while technically I'm the wife. He's really funny, always horny, and is crazy like me. Hey…do you happen to know Satan's Spawn??" I ask with my eyebrows raised.

"Edward knows him. His name is Chaoson, is that who're you're thinking of?" Carlisle responds with a slightly shocked expression.

I gasp. YAY!!!!! MY BISHIE IS HERE!!!!!! By the way, Chaoson/Kiei (as I call him) hates his father, (Satan) and isn't really bad…well… (Coughs) you'll see…I'M A CHRISTIAN I SWEAR!!!!

"Yes! Where is he? Wait, what if he doesn't know me? He has to know me! KIEI!" I say and look around.

"Someone call my name?" I hear a familiar yet unfamiliar voice ask and look to see my love in all his sexiness sipping some wine (cough, blood, cough).

My jaw drops to the floor and my eyes are wider than the saucers I used earlier and in a moment I glomp my baby who I couldn't possibly have insomnia without (Hahaha, LAUGH!).

"Please say you know me!" I say as I constrict his stomach.

"Kiheada? What are you doing here? _How _did you get here...and how do you know me? GOSH I'M SO CONFUSED RIGHT NOW!" he replies.

"Uh, yes it's me, the Swirly Black Hole of DOOM transported me here just like it transported me to the Gundam universe, the YYH universe, and all the others, not really sure why but I like it and…let's just say my imagination shall be the death of me…or rape in your case…." I say and grin.

He looks at me warily and then hugs me.

"Hahaha I totally fooled you. You're so gullible!" he said and ruffled my hair.

"Eh?" I ask, thoroughly confused. I am easily confused…and amused…but that's beside the point.

"Niki I knew what was going on the moment you got stuck in the tree, that's why I'm here." he told me.

"….ish confuzzlededed…" I say.

He sweat-drops.

"Jak is a senior in high school and we've become extremely _close_." He tells me.

"Oh…is he here too?" I ask. "No, he's mad at me and doesn't want to talk to me…" he says.

"That's sad…what about Shinn?" I ask.

He's about to answer when…

"WHAT'S THE WORST THAT I CAN SAAAAY!? THINGS ARE BETTER IF I STAYED!! SO LONG, AND GOOD NIGHT! SO LONG! AND GOOD NIGHT!" Shinn screams the My Chemical Romance song that I don't own as he totally rubs all over a disgusted and violated Edward and then glomps me.

"SHINNI!!!!!" I say and squeeze him.

"NIKI! Screwing up the Yu Yu Hakusho universe was so much fun I decided to tag along, although I'm going to show up in the Eragon universe as well, I can't help but want to hit that." He says.

"Yay! Now all I need is a normal human friend to run around and create massive mayhem and destruction with…" I say and think hard.

As Edward is rubbing Shinn's cooties on Emmet a Swirly Black Hole of DOOM opens up above them and my friend Stephanie (not the writer of Twilight and etc., but my friend who is a fellow fan of the series) falls down on top of Edward and Emmet laughs.

"Uh, hi." She says.

"Stephanie!" I squeal and run and hug her.

"Yay! NOW ON TO THE DESTRUCTION!!! WAHAHAHAHA!!!!!" I say and laugh maniacally with a crazed look on my face.

"Better be careful Niki, or my father might ant to recruit you to do my job." Kiei tells me.

"Oooooo, gimme a spiky metal baseball bat and there won't be a problem." I say with the crazed look still in place. Carlisle is looking like he's about to faint or something, Edward is looking pissed, Emmet is rolling on the floor laughing, Alice is screaming to a Linkin Park song, and Rosalie is beating Jasper at an arm wrestling match.

Kiei says. "Always with the baseball bat." He says but hands me the Wonderfully Delicious Baseball Bat of DOOM.

"WAHAHA! Hey where's Bella?" I ask.

"She's at Charlie's, and if you hut her I swear-," Edward begins but I interrupt with, "TO CHARLIE'S! DON'T WORRY EDWARD-KUN, WE'LL GET THAT STICK OUT OF YOUR ASS ONE WAY OR THE OTHER!!!!" and then me, Shinn, and a laughing Stephanie are running out the door while Kiei looks to Edward, shrugs, and then follows to make sure I don't get too carried away…yeah right…it really should be the other way around…

"Okay, okay, enough subliminal messages! I get it! I'm a rapist! I've beat myself up a thousand times over for what I did! Now can you please drop it!?" Kiei yells at me.

"Relax I was just kidding. Do you have a stick up your ass too?" I ask and raise my eyebrows, taking a step toward him.

"No, I haven't done anal with Shinn in like, twenty-something years. I prefer frontal…" he says and I fall down and twitch.

"Hey!" Shinn says and looks offended while Stephanie is laughing her ass off.

"What?" Kiei asks with a grin.

"EIGHT INCHES! THAT'S NOT A STICK! IF ANYTHING YOU'RE THE STICK BECAUSE OF HOW LONG IT IS!!!!" Shinn screamed, red in the face.

Kiei is laughing evilly at him, the sadistic bas-

"That's it! I'm taking over this fic!" Kiei says and pushes me out of the chair.

"Hey! That wasn't nice! MINE!" I say and slam into him, only causing my arm to hurt.

"DARN YOU!" I say.

"Save the yelling for bed hun, I'm trying to concentrate here." Kiei says.

I get red in the face and glower at him.

"Hehehe, you got told!" Shinn says while he points and laughs at me.

"You're supposed to be embarrassed and angry!" Kiei yells at him and he squeaks and goes back to the original scene.

("Haha you got owned! OH!" I say but Kiei puts his hand over my mouth and continues writing)

"Shinn relax, I was kidding, sheesh." Kiei says and Shinn automatically relaxes and rushes to my (that is, Kiei's) side because he knows who his Master is.

("That's it!" I say and push him out of the way and resume MY fic)

Shinn slaps him and then laughs and skips away with me and Stephanie as Kiei is left to be humped by a giant grizzly bear and he knows he likes it…

("I do not! You're the sick one! Need I remind you that you were the one to-," Kiei says but I put my hand over his mouth and return to writing)

Scratch that, being the awesomely powerful and sexy Ish that he is he tears the bear apart and gives the blood to Carlisle before chasing after us.

("There, happy?" I ask him. "Yes." He replies. "Good, now shut up and let me write this random fic about vampires. Bella hasn't even gotten her two cents in and it's almost over!" I tell him and he shuts up like a good boy.)

"So we all arrive at Charlie's, I glomp him for no apparent reason, Stephanie laughs and pretends we're normal, Shinn glomps him because he's horny and wants to scare the poor guy, Kiei erases his memory of Shinn's molestation and then tells him we're all friends of Bella's as we march up to Bella's room.

"BELLA BO WELLA FE FI FO FELLA!" I yell as I throw open her door.

She stares at me oddly for a moment, frozen in shock and fear.

"Uh, hi, my name is Niki but you can call me Jak, this is my friend Stephanie, my horny friend Shinn, and my bishie Kiei. We're not a threat I swear." I tell her as Shinn winks sexily at her and Kiei grips him tightly around the waist and glares at him.

"Oh, okay." She says and shrugs. "Ha! I knew she'd do that! Why? Because I have ten toes!" I say triumphantly, my finger in the air.

"Uh, Niki, you're starting to scare me." Stephanie tells me. "Oh, sorry." I say sheepishly.

"So Bells, I'm so happy for you and your _engagement_." I say and grin as I sit on her bed. Shinn gets away from Kiei's grip and scrambles onto the bed next to her as well and she gives him an odd look.

"Don't worry, he's just overly friendly." I say. "Right, well, please don't bring that up, I'm only doing this for Edward." She said.

"I totally understand, except I kinda wanna get married. Anyways, I'm sure that you'll be able to get the stick out of his ass on your wedding night, among other things…" I say and wiggle my eyebrows.

She blushes but also grins. "Of course! I can't wait…" she says and then looks over at Kiei who is casually leaning against the wall looking sexy as ever.

She glances at me and I grin and she gasps. "No way!" she says. "Yes way, isn't he such a great lover, Shinn? I mean oh yeahyeah! Right?" I say and Kiei looks over at us and his face gets red.

Stephanie looks confused and Shinn nods his head vigorously ad moans like the sex-addict he is.

"Wow…just, wow." Bella replies, staring at Kiei. He growls at me but I wink at him slyly and he grins mischievously back, making me shudder.

"Ahhhh, I love it when he does that." I say and sigh. "MINE!" Shinn says possessively.

"Technically you're his." I say.

Stephanie looks at us and shrugs and then looks at Bella. "This is so weird, it's like a dream." She says. "Yeah really, I know _exactly _how you feel!" Bella replies.

"That means he's mine! MINE!" Shinn says to me. "I'm standing right here guys." Kiei says.

"Be quiet we're discussing who owns you!" I tell him. "Which is me! Moi! El Meyo!" I say to Shinn.

Kiei sighs and shakes his head.

"I would have freaked out when I learned that my boyfriend was a vampire. How did you handle it? And how are you and Jacob? Or is that a sensitive subject?" Stephanie asks Bella.

"Well, I just kinda…did deal with it. I dunno, I guess it was easy to accept and understand that he wasn't really human, I mean, how _can _they be human!? I haven't really spoken to Jacob in a while, and I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing." Bella said with a sad and distant look on her face.

"No, he's mine! He told me so! And besides, he left you for me! So ha!" Shinn says and sticks his tongue out. I growl and then tackle him.

"Bad doggy! Bad!" I say and beat him with my baseball bat. Kiei watches with morbid amusement and entertainment while Bella and Stephanie simply ignore us.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Although when you were all in the tent and he and Edward were talking it was pretty funny." Stephanie says. "Yeah, now that I think about it, it was, wasn't it? They were close to being friends one minute, and then back to enemies the next. I just wish they could just be friends." Bella replies and sighs.

"Ah what the heck? You're too sexy and cute to beat with a baseball bat! How about we share him?" I ask Shinn and help him up.

"Okay! Yay!" he says and we hug. Kiei, observing both conversations, starts laughing, as to direct all the attention to him, the spotlight-hogging, attention-seeking,

("Niki…" Kiei growls at me. "Okay, okay." I say.)

I mean the cunning and **devilishly **handsome sexiness that is Kiei.

"I just find it funny that you're all talking about different people yet the last part of your conversation, Bella and Stephanie, goes hand-in-hand with Niki and Shinn's behavior." He says.

"Oh, hahaha, that is funny." Bella says. "I hate Mondays." I reply. "I hate ugly people, they're no fun." Shinn says and we all start laughing.

"What? They're not! Why are you laughing at me!? He asks and looks hurt when Kiei comes up to him and puts his arm around his waist. "We're not laughing _at _you we're laughing _with _you." He says.

"No we're not, we're laughing _at _him." I say. Kiei glares at me and I run up and hug Shinn.

"Oh okay. That's okay then." He says and hugs me back. "I like hugging people." He says. "Me too."

"BOY WON'T YOU SHOW ME A LITTLE BIT OF SPUNK, YOU'VE BEEN SAVING FOR HIS MATTRESS!? I ONLY WANT SYMPATHY IN THE FORM OF YOU CRAWLING INTO BED WITH ME!" a new voice yells from the door and I turn to see…

MY SON JAK!!!!!! What's he doing here...?

"JAKY!" I say and glomp him. I so totally don't have a normal family…

"JAKY!!! MINE!!!!" Shinn says and glomps him as well. "Ohhhhhh no you don't! He's _my_ son thus declaring him mine! Besides, if he's anyone he's Kiei's…." I say and Jak blushes and glares at me, not looking at his father who coughs and pretends as if he's not there.

Stephanie and Bella look at us weirdly for a moment.

"I didn't know you had a son…" Stephanie tells me. "There's a lot about me that you don't know." I say mysteriously. "Ha! I always wanted to say that!" I say and jump while clapping.

"Mom, chill…Ohmibob, I can't believe I'm calling you mom, technically you're still only fifteen and haven't even conceived me yet!" Jak says and freaks out.

"SCREW THE TECHNICALITIES!" I say and hug him again. "You're so huggable, just like your father….and Shinn." I say and smile.

"Can we please not talk about _him_? I came here because I was bored and wanted to see what you were like as a kid." He replies.

"Sure honey, we'll just ignore him." I say and Kiei glares at me while Bella laughs and Stephanie shrugs and laughs too.

"I won't! He's too sexy to ignore!" Shinn said and practically tackled Kiei. He took in a deep breath and then let it out. "Ahhhh…you smell good, what kind of cologne are you wearing? I suggest you continue wearing it." He said.

"It's Tag, and thanks, I think I will." Kiei replies. "I wanna smell." Bella says and comes up to him. "Me too!" Stephanie says and goes to him as well.

"Murtagh?" I ask.

So is the scene that Edward Cullen witnesses as he comes through Isabella Swan's window. He stops half-way over the window-sill to see his beloved, Stephanie, and Shinn all smelling Satan's Spawn while I'm hugging my son who is the exact resemblance of his father.

"What the…?"

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**-Author's Note: Okay, so oddly enough there wasn't much randomness but a lot of sexual humor, sorry 'bout that, but there's more to come from the sexual department. Hopefully the next chapter will be randomly delicious as always. Until then, please review and tell me what you think! If you hate it…I'm sorry, but TOO BAD! Jacob will hopefully be in the next chapter, as well. Now back to your television program of: What to do when the monster in your closet asks for directions to Milwaukee Minnesota because their GPS system crashed on the freeway!-**


	2. Life is like a riddle&I'm really stoned

**Chapter 2: Life is like a riddle and I'm really stoned…**

**Disclaimer:**** The title is an excerpt from a song by The Offspring that I'm listening to right now…I don't do drugs…**

**Shinn: Riiiight…**

**Me: I DON'T!!!!**

**Shinn: Okay then….**

**Kiei: (sighs) she doesn't own any of the Twilight characters, only the OCs (me, Shinn, herself, Stephany owns herself…at least I think…)**

**Me: Ohhhhhh no ya don't!!! (Slaps him)**

**Stephany: …Uh, what just happened???**

**Shinn: Oh EEEEDDDWAAARRRDD!!!!!**

_(I misspelled my friend's name, eh heh, her name is spelled Stephany, and that's how I'll be spelling it from now on. Sorry Steph!)_

* * *

"What the…?" Edward asks as he comes into Bella's room through the window as usual.

"Oh, hey Edward." She says and smiles, walking over to him and hugging him.

"Eddy-kun!" I squeal and glomp him.

"Mine!" Shinn bursts and also glomps him.

"Noooo he's Bella's!" I tell him, throwing him against the wall, right next to Jak.

"OWIE!!! Actually that was quite sexy….kinky…." Shinn replies and grins slyly.

I have a "Are you crazy?" expression on my face, eyes wide, eyebrow straight upwards, mouth puckered tightly. "You've been hanging around Kiei too much…" I say and Kiei blanches.

"Will you stop!?" he yells while his son laughs his ass off. "Shut up Jak!"

"No! You're not the boss of me!" Jak replies angrily.

"Yes I am now shut up!" Kiei replies. Edward, Bella, and Stephany are wondering what the heck is going on while me and Shinn are cheering the two boys on because we're crazy.

"GO BACK TO HELL WHERE YOU BELONG!!!!" Jak yells and everyone gets quiet, Kiei looking surprised yet steadily getting angrier.

"Uhhhh, BAD JAK! That wasn't nice! Now apologize!" I say like a mom. Sweet, I get to boss people around, awesomeness!!!

Jak stares at me with shock. "What!? Why!?" he asks.

"Because I said so and that wasn't nice now apologize before your father rips your head off!" I yell at him.

We all look to Kiei who is growling while black markings are starting to appear on his face and arms. Oh yeah that's my sexy beast…I mean OH NO HE'S GOING INTO DEMON MODE EVERYONE RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!

"Ugh! Fine, sorry dad." Jak mumbles. It's quiet again and then Kiei goes back to normal. "Apology accepted." He says and smiles. I fall down again and Shinn pouts because he wanted to see them fight.

After an awkward moment where Shinn decides to get a stick and poke me while Stephany joins him and Jak looks utterly mortified for no apparent reason as usual Edward clear his throat.

"Not meaning to be rude, but can you all leave so that I may converse with my fiancé in private, please?" he asks ever-so-politely.

"Sure dude, see ya Bells!" I say and wave to her before grabbing Stephany and Shinn and beckoning Kiei and Jak to follow me. Jak latches onto Shinn and Kiei walks beside Stephany.

* * *

So we're all walking down the middle of the road and its pitch black out, the moon is full and I think I hear some howling…

"THAT'S IT!" I say triumphantly, beaming at my brilliance. Oh. What then!? ……I'll shut up….

"That's what?" Shinn asks. "We're gonna go hang out with some wild werewolves!" I say and wiggle my eyes at Shinn who replies with a sly grin as usual.

"Oh cool!" Stephany says. "Eh?" Jak asks, looking confused.

Kiei……says nothing…..odd…..

"TO LA PUSH TO PUSH THE LAWN MOWER OUT OF THE WAY BECAUSE THE SOCCER MOM JUST PICKED UP HER KIDS AND THEN SOME AND THAT MINIVAN'S WORSE THAN AN EIGHTEEN WHEELER DOPWN THE FREEWAY BUT ITS NOT REALLY FREE BECAUSE-," I yell a bunch of randomness as usual until Kiei's hand slams over my mouth as he growls and twitches.

"I swear, one more idiotic word out of you and I'll-," he begins but Shinn interrupts. "Okay let's go now!!" and then takes off running.

I get out of Kiei's grasp and yell after him, "WAIT FOR ME!!! C'mon Steph and Jaky!" and run after him.

Stephany shrugs and chases after me and Jak glances uncomfortably at Kiei who is glaring at me and then takes off running.

Kiei shrugs and then walks after us, knowing he can catch up anytime he wanted….grrrrd…..little freaker….wait….scratch that…BIG freaker…yeah…that's better….

Kiei: AHEM! (Tapping his foot and crossing his arms while glaring at me)

Jak: Haha you look gay, haha.

Kiei: You're the gay one…

Jak: (angry and embarrassed) MY GIRLFRIEND AND UNBORN CHILD DIED IN A CAR CRASH SHUT UP I HATE YOU!!!! (Runs off)

Me: Teenagers….

Kiei: (raises eyebrow) you're a teenager…

Me: I know….ON TO THE FIC!

So we all come crashing through the woods to end up at Jacob's house, how I ever found my way there I shall never know, but anyhow, we made it! YAY!

"JACOB!!! OH JAAAACOOOOB!! OPEN UP YOU HAIRY LITTLE MONSTER!!!!" I yell and slam my fist against the door.

Shinn is yelling things with em while Stephany is looking around and trying to hide herself. Jak is standing off to the side, arms crossed and pouting.

Jak: I AM NOT POUTING!

Me: YES YOU ARE NOT SHUT UP!

And of course he obeys me because everyone obeys me! WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! (Gets slapped) Thanks Kiei, although you didn't have to do it _that _hard ya know.

"I know." he says and grins. Before I can respond a grumpy looking sexy Ish answers the door and Shinn gasps and _of course _glomps the poor boy before he even knows what's hit him.

"Jacob!" I say and hug him. "Who the hell are you?" he asks, looking confused. Stephany is shaking her head and asking God why she has a crazy friend like me…

"I'm Niki, but you can call me Jak, and this here is my son Jak, as well as the family boytoy Shinn-,"

"Hey!"

"- Stephany my friend and Kiei, the Hell part of the who." I continue as if Shinn hadn't interrupted.

Jake is looking at us strangely with one eyebrow raised. "Uh, right. So….what are you doing here?" he asks.

"We wanna hang with the werewolves!" I say and grin. His eyes narrow. "How do you know about us?" he asks warily.

"It's a long story, but we mean you no harm." I tell him. He glances at us again and then shrugs and lets us inside his tiny home.

"Sweetness. This is so rad." I say and everyone stops to stare at me weirdly. "What?" I ask with an innocent expression.

"Dude, you just said rad!" Jak says. "Dude, like, so what?" I reply. "Dude! Nobody says that anymore mom!" he says and everyone is chuckling. "Dude! Like seriously!?" I ask, mock-horrified. "Like, yeah." Jak replies, serious.

I start laughing and so does everyone else. "What!? Why is everyone laughing!?" he asks. "Ohmibob Jak I love you come here." I say and hug him. "You must get that from me." I say and he looks confused.

I sigh and roll my eyes. "Dude, like I so totally don't care! I can say rad if I like, want to!" I say.

"Why are you talking like that?" he asks with a weird expression. I gape at him.

"Ah you two never cease to amaze me." Kiei says and puts an arm around Jak's shoulders. "Well jee thanks!" I say and twirl my hair.

Jacob is standing with Stephany and looking at us weirdly while Shinn is hugging his waist. Little man-hoe.

"Jealous!" he says and sticks his tongue out at me. "Nuh-uh!" I reply.

ANYWAYS! Jak is trying to shake off his father's arm while said father is looking amused at his attempts.

"Mom!"

"What?"

"Make him stop touching me!"

"Honey if I could do that you wouldn't be here right now." I say and he looks horrified again. (Jak was conceived without my consent, if ya get my drift….BUT I STILL LOVE YOU KIEI!)

So he's standing there, his eyes wide, his father's arm around his shoulders, while there's an awkward silence.

"So Jake got a girlfriend?" Shinn asks him. "No." Jake says and looks sad. I notice he looks a bit rugged and worse for the wear. Poor buddy. He must miss Bella. Oh well, maybe I can be of service…

"Mine!" Kiei growls and grabs me. Or not….

"Haha! Mine!" Shinn says, clinging to Jacob. "You're mine too!" Kiei says and somehow grabs him too.

Jak edges closer to Jacob, smirking, and Stephany takes a sip of her Pina Coloda and a bite out of her pizza (she's an Italian Latino, oh yeah you know that rocks your socks….)

Kiei growls at him too and he pouts so Jacob glances at Stephany who glances back.

Awkward silence……….MORE DOTS!!! YAY!!!!!!

"We'll leave you two alone now." I say and give them a mischievous smile before running out of there with my…family….????

* * *

"Yes Niki, chase the shiny red light." Kiei says as he points his laser beam at the wall and I run at it.

"Oof! SHIIIINNNYYYY!!! WHY DO YOU RUN AWAY FROM ME!!?? I JUST WANT TO PLAAAAYYY!!!" I say and run after it again.

Jak covers his face with his hands and shakes his head.

Shinn laughs and then Kiei points the shiny red light at his…la-de-de…and….I…kinda tackle him….but it looks like I'm an over-energetic and over-horny whore who really wants to give someone a blowjob….I swear I'm still a virgin and I've never done nothing….wait…..except in my dreams….thus producing this….scenario???? BOB I'M CONFUSED!!!!

"There, there. It's okay." Kiei says and pets my hair as I sit there rocking back and forth while clutching to my knees.

"Oooo, that feels good! Ruff! Ruff ruff!!" I say and bark like a dog. "Hey!!" Shinn says and tackles Kiei to make him pet him. He purrs in a deeper and sexier tone than a cat while Kiei laughs.

Jak is looking uncomfortable so I tackle him. "HI HI!" I say loudly and he gives me a weird look.

"You're starting to scare me mom…" he says and I help him up.

"We need to find more Twilight people….I wonder where Alice and Jasper are? I don't really know the rest of the gang that well…" I say and look around.

Jak is casting jealous yet disgusted glances over at Shinn who is rubbing all over Kiei like the man-hoe he is. "AND PROUD BABY!" Oooooo, Shinn….

I gasp. "My spidey-senses are tingling, THIS WAY!!!!" I say and charge in a random direction because I don't have spider senses but that would be cool in a freakish way…

"SPIDER-PIG! SPIDER-PIG! DOES WHATEVER A SPIDER-PIG DOES!" I sing the song I don't own while skipping along.

"No, he's not Spider-Pig anymore, now he's Harry Plopper." Shinn says and points to Jak who is trying to rub off the Sharpie'd on glasses that Shinn obviously drew on him while laughing. I laugh too and he growls at us.

Just then I hear a crack and jump. Jak howls with laughter, along with Kiei and Shinn. I growl this time and shake my fist at them. There's another crack sound and I look around, the sky is all gray and cloudy so I assume its lightning…

Yay! It's raining! I love the rain! I love to sing in it, I love to dance in it, and I love to create massive mayhem and destruction in it! Yay!

So I'm running around, splashing in puddles with Shinn while Jak is dodging Kiei's attempts to throw him into the puddles when we happen upon a clearing….

….. With vampires playing baseball? YAY!

"I wanna play too!!! Oooooo!! Can I be the batter!!??" I ask and run into the clearing.

"Hey look it's the mutated squirrel!" Emmett says and Rosalie glares at him. "Actually I kinda like that nickname. Mutated Squirrel…hmmm, its missing something….I know! I'm the Mutated Squirrel of DOOM! WAHAHA!! FEAR THE FIRE!!!!" I say and run around in circles with a lighter…..in the rain….while vampires are playing baseball….

Jak is staring at me weirdly so Kiei manages to grab him from behind (not like that unfortunately…I mean….not like that you perverts!!!...what???) and lifts his feet off the ground while laughing. (In case you don't know this is him _flirting_)

"Lemme down!" Jak says and he does but doesn't let go but rests his head on his shoulder and grins slyly at him. Oooooo that's sexy….ahem…back to the baseball-playing-vampires….

"Sure, Mutated Squirrel of DOOM, you can be the batter." Emmett says and hands me the bat…..wahaha…he shouldn't have done that…..hehehehehehehehehehe

"You know, you shouldn't have done that, now she's gonna kill us all in a wild and maniacal rage." Shinn points out as I laugh evilly. The vampires face-drop but I jump up and down screaming, "THROW ME THE BALL!!!! I WANNA SEE HOW FAR THIS BABY GOES!!!!"

"Alright, here we go." Jasper says (he's the pitcher, hey-hey…Alice: MINE!

Me: ok ok! Sheesh….overprotective people…)

So Jasper not Casper throws me the ball, I swing my bat while Shinn's in a brawl, the ball flies high, there's tears from the sky, and Jaky is appalled with us all. Why? Because I hit him in the balls.

"I'M SO SORRY JAKY I DIDN'T MEAN TO!!! OHMIBOB OHMIBOB I DONE KILT MY SON!!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!" I scream and run over to him. Hey that was cool how I rhymed though, right? Right!??? Oh I'm a horrible parent!!!!

"NOOOOO!!! Aw man, now we can't have fun tonight!" Shinn whines and pouts. "HELLO! RIGHT HERE!!" Kiei shouts, waving his arms in the air. "Oh yeah!" Shinn says and hugs him.

"A LITTLE HELP OVER HERE!!!! HEY DOCTER FANG GET YOUR SEXY-YET-MUCH-OLDER-THAN-ME-TUSHKA OVER HERE!" I scream while holding my son.

In a moment Carlisle is over here but Jak is laughing, not crying…..why is he laughing? OHMIBOB!!! THE INJURY MADE HIM GO INSANE!!! NOOOOOO!!!! I MADE A BET HE WOULDN'T GO INSANE UNTIL HE WAS 19!!!!!! DARN YOU!!! I'm screaming and shaking him but Carlisle is trying to make me stop.

"Haha, mom I'm just kidding I barely even felt that!" Jak says between laughs and I growl and glare at him. "FEEL THIS!" I say and start kicking him. "OW! OW! I CAN FEEL THAT!!!" he screams and I stop and smirk.

He gives me a hurt look and then I slap myself. "BAD NIKI! BAD!" I say and keep hitting myself until Kiei holds my arms at my sides and Carlisle is shaking his head and helping Jak up.

"You look like you could use a backrub." Shinn says to him. "You're right. I'll get Esme to give me one later tonight." He says and Shinn falls down. "But I wanted to do it!" he whines quietly to himself.

"Shinn you can do mine." Jak said and grinned. The boy jumped up and beamed. "Okay! Yay!" he said and ran over to Jak, pushing him down, sitting on top of him, and giving him a back rub.

"Hey! Let's start a back-rub chain! Shinn get offa my son and sit behind him, I'll rub yours, and someone can rub mine, and so forth until we form a circle and Jak is rubbing someone's back!" I say and Shinn gets up and sits behind Jak and I go to rub his back.

So the vampires shrug and Emmett gets behind me and starts rubbing my back, Rosalie starts rubbing his, Alice rubs Rosalie's back, Jasper rubs hers, and Kiei is rubbing Jasper's back while Jak is rubbing his……boy, boy, boy, girl, girl, boy, girl, boy…..is it just me or are there too many guys in this??? At least they're all sexy….

"I'm feeling rational, so confrontational, to tell the truth I am getting away with murder!" we all start singing randomly. I love that song, and Papa Roach. Weird name, cool band, sexy singer (Uh huh that's you Jacoby Shaddix, love yas hun!)

"Why do I always seem to come in at the wrong times?" I hear a velvety soft voice ask and turn to see Edward and Bella standing there all confused looking while Jacob and Stephany are sharing the confused expressions.

"Well, look at who decided to stop with the banging to come join us? Find a place in the lines, guys; we're doing a back-rub chain!" I say and they all blush.

Stephany gets behind me (I think Emmett was kinda sad or something, but he didn't say much so that's okay) and Jacob got behind her. "Ugh, I have to rub a dog's back!" Emmett says to this.

"I'll do it! You can rub Edward's back." Bella says and rubs Jacob's back (he knows he likes that) while Edward gets behind her (oh so you like anal??? OW! KIEI HE HIT ME!) Anyways! Edward rubs Bella's back and Emmett rubs his so there!!

Now it's girl (me), boy (Shinn), boy (Jak), boy (Kiei), boy (Jasper), girl (Alice), girl (Rosalie), boy (Emmett), boy (Edward), girl (Bella), boy (Jacob), girl (Stephany)

…there's still too many boys!!! Arghdness….need more girlpower...

* * *

**-Author's Note: Man, this story is getting off on a slow start, not much random and craziness going on here. Hmmmmm, I know you guys must be thinking, what!? This is plenty weird! But weird isn't random or crazy, just a step below, so I must try to reach deep within myself and find the random and craziness that I used when writing the YYH and Inheritance Monkey fics! Check those out too, they're hellarious! Remember to press the shiny purple button! You know you want to! Now back to: When Hairy Harry Hears of a Hare Down Under!-**


	3. Chapter 3: Quit Chewing My Leg!

**Chapter 3: QUIT CHEWING MY LEG!!!!**

**Disclaimer:**** I only own the OCs and my insanity….**

* * *

"POTATO!!!!" I scream randomly while everyone's rubbing each other's backs and getting their backs rubbed.

"I'm hungry…does anyone have any pizza? Or chicken? A cheeseburger?" I ask and look around.

"We don't have any food; it tastes disgusting when you're a vampire." Alice informs me casually. "Oh yeah, I almost forgot….Hey Jake, you should have food, let's go back to your house and pig out!" I say and he shrugs. "Okay then, sounds cool, although I don't think you _leeches _would want to come, Bella is invited though." He says and grins. Edward holds back a glare.

Kiei glances at him and after a moment they nod and grin mischievously….not cool….

So we all get up, stretch, moan (in Shinn's case), and whatever else. "I'll see you guys later! Love you Edward!" Bella says and kisses Edward while waving to the others before joining us.

So we somehow all end up back at Jacob's house while having only a few complications, (Shinn trying to sit next to Jacob but Stephany shoving him to the back seat on top of Jak who shoves him off him onto Kiei who holds on tightly to Shinn while grabbing at Jak because he loves being a pain in the….neck…and me yelling at him and trying to punch him so that the car gets flipped and we all crawl out and find different ways of getting here: Bella and Stephany riding on Jacob's back while he's in werewolf form (even though he wishes it were a different kinda situation if ya know what I mean, the pimp), Kiei giving Shinn a piggyback ride even though _I _wanted the piggyback ride but oh well, me and Jak got to ride a motorcycle, oh yeahyeah!...jee that was long) but nevertheless we all made it here.

"FOOOD!!!!" I screech and head straight for the refrigerator and pantry. I take out a cheeseburger, three slices of pizza, some KFC chicken with cole slaw, mashed potatoes and gravy, Mac and cheese, some shrimp with the special shrimp sauce, fried rice with vegetables, potato and tomato soup, a grilled cheese sandwich, some bread rolls, potato salad, a Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki sub from Subway, a Peanut Butter Jelly sandwich, a steak with mushrooms on top and gravy, some fruit roll-ups, and tons of chocolate candy.

Everyone stares at me in shock and disbelief.

"What? I'm hungry!" I exclaim and begin to chow down. Everyone else gets their choice of food so that Jacob is nearly cleaned out! Haha sucks to be you at the grocery store…..

"Is it just me, or is it hot in here?" Stephany asks. "Yeah." Bella replied.

"It's probably me." Jacob says and grins. Stephany giggles and blushes while Bella rolls her eyes. "And me." Kiei adds none-too-subtly.

"AND ME!" Shinn exclaims. "Actually Shinn dear, Kiei and Jake were referring to the fact that their body temperatures are extremely warm due to their natures. Now, in terms of who's sexier…." I say and grin slyly.

"It's still me." Jacob says and beams. "Ha, ha, no." I say curtly and hug Kiei's arm. "_He's _the Sexy Beast." I say and wiggle my eyebrows. Jacob rolls his eyes but doesn't comment while Bella smirks at him.

"So what does that make me?" Jak asks, who just so happens to be the exact replica of his father, only a bit shorter in a few ways…but I think I already told you that…..awww, my puppy is twitching in his sleep!!! Ahem, back to the fic.

"Uhhhh, the Son of the Sexy Beast???" I more like ask than state. Kiei smirks at him, quelling the urge to stick his tongue out.

"So I'm second then since Jak and Kiei are both technically first since they look alike?" Shinn asks suddenly. "Yes, then its Jacob since Edward isn't here right now…or Jasper…Emmet isn't really my type so he's after you Jake, oh wait, Carlisle is before you too…Quil and Embry are below you as well, am I missing anyone? I haven't really met Sam and he's taken anyway so no comment there…hmmmmm… nope I think that's all." I say and Jacob is pouting because his male pride and oversized ego has been wounded.

Men…

Kiei is grinning slyly and Shinn is looking sexy while I'm sitting between them, oh yeah…

"Anyways, back to what I was saying," Stephany said again. "Oh right…you said it was hot." I reminded her. "Yes, its kinda making me tired…" she said. "Yeah….and it's tempting me to strip." I say and all the males turn their immediate attention to me.

"EW! Do_**NOT**_do that in front of me!" Jak exclaims and covers his face. "I wanna strip too…" Shinn whines and Jak peeks through his fingers. I take my Tommy Hilfiger hoodie off (don't hate, appreciate!) to reveal a black shirt that states "My Boyfriend Is A Pirate" with a picture of Cap'n Jak Sparrow.

Kiei frowns and changes it to say, "My Boyfriend Is A Sexy Beast" with a picture of him grinning mischievously and sexily. Shinn sheds his shirt and starts to undo his pants but Kiei's hand closes around his wrist. "Not here you little sex addict, I don't think Jacob, Bella, and Stephany want to be involved in an orgy." He says.

"Yeah but it's hot!" Shinn whines again. He was wearing leather pants….yeah…never wear leather pants when it's hot….you'll never get them off in a subtle way…

"Too bad." Kiei says. Shinn pouts and then his pants change to some loose-fitting cargo shorts and his black shoes change to brown flip-flops. "Ahhhh, I feel better now." He says.

Jacob shrugs and takes off his shirt revealing some well-toned six-pack abs…ooo yeahyeah!

"Ahem."

"My bad."

"Oooo, nice abs Jake!" Shinn says and Kiei rolls his eyes and sighs. "Uh, thanks." He says and squirms a bit and then grins at Stephany who his arm is currently around. On his other side Bella rolls her eyes again and takes off her hoodie to reveal a short-sleeved black shirt as usual. Stephany takes off her red jacket hesitantly to reveal a pretty red and black dress shirt that I'm tempted to steal…

"I'll turn on the air conditioner." Jake says and starts to get up, however, all of a sudden, we all have this weird feeling and then…..**BLACK**.

* * *

I yawn and stretch as I come back to consciousness, hoping my adventures in the Twilight universe weren't just a weird dream. I open my eyes and sit up…in the middle of the woods? Wait, I thought I was at Jacob's house. Where am I?

I start to get up but feel…different. I look down to see myself wearing some loose-fitting boy pants and a tight blue t-shirt….and I have no boobs, not that I really had any before but still….oh.my.bob.

I scramble up and look at my pale hands and feel…cold. I look around and see Emmett groaning and sitting up, along with Alice, Rosalie, and Jasper. Wait a second…

"What the freak?" Emmett asks and then looks at himself. Then he screams. He bolts up and looks around, catching me staring at him. "Uh, hi Edward, uh, must have had a bad dream or something, eh heh." He says.

I cock an eyebrow….woo! I can finally do that now! Anyways, I cock an eyebrow and say, "I'm not Edward, I'm Niki…I think Jacob's house is magical…who are you?"

"Jak. This is weird mom…" he says and comes over to me.

"Man, what happened? One minute I'm sitting here thinking how hot it is, the next I wake up to this! Where am I? Edward! Emmett! Where are we?" Alice calls over to us…

"Uh, I'm Niki and this is Jak, who are you?" I ask. Alice's jaw drops, "I'm Bella, who do I look like?" she asks and then looks around. "Oh, I look like Alice…but _how_?" she asks in disbelief.

Jasper groans and sits up, glancing around. "What just happened, wow, why is my voice so low…I sound kinda like…" Jasper says and looks about him. "OH MY GOSH I'M JASPER! ALICE!" Jasper screams and turns to Alice. "Uh, I'm Bella." Alice says.

"What? Edward, what's going on?" Jasper asks and looks at me. "Actually I'm Niki and this is Jak not Emmet, I was just wondering the same thing. Who are you?" I ask yet again…I hate repeating myself.

"I'm Rosalie." Jasper answers. And as if on cue, Rosalie rises and looks around. "I knew this was going to happen, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it! And you guys didn't believe me!" she huffed.

"Alice! Hey, if you knew why didn't you tell us?" I ask her and glare. "I told Rosalie, Emmet, Jasper, and Edward, but no one believed me, you guys weren't here when I had the vision." Rosalie/Alice replied and stood.

"Oh, so I guess we need to go to Jacob's house then to find the others." I say. "Yep." She replies so…I run really, really fast and get there in 3 seconds. "Sweet…." Rosalie/Alice, Jasper/Rosalie, Alice/Bella, and Emmett/Jak also appear.

I step inside to see what Edward usually stumbles into at the wrong moments…

Shinn is looking confused, Stephany is freaking out, Bella is checking herself out, Jacob is shaking his head and sighing, Kiei is looking around also confused, and Niki (my body) is looking surprised but carefree…huh, the usual.

"Okay everyone, let's get this all straightened out here once and for all." I begin and everyone turns their attention to me/Edward. "I'm Niki in Edward's body; this is Jak in Emmett's body, Alice in Rosalie's body, Rosalie in Jasper's body, and Bella in Alice's body. State who you guys are so we can get things cleared up." I demand

Shinn looked at me quizzically and said, "I'm Edward…what's going on? How'd this happen?" "I'm not sure, Eddy, but I might have to keep your body for a while, I feel sezzy…and a lil somethin else down unda if ya know what I'm sayin'." I say and laugh raucously while Shinn/Edward blushes.

Jacob clears his throat and glares at me, "I'm Kiei, and if you had anything to do with this I'll-," I cut him off with, "Next!" loudly while he fumed. "I'm Shinn! Oh my gosh what's going on!?" Stephany shrieked. The real Stephany stared wide-eyed at herself while Shinn was freaking out.

"Uh, I'm Emmett…and for once I don't look huge but still feel huge…wow, so this is what it feels like to be Satan's Spawn…." Kiei says and starts to grin. Jacob/Kiei growls at him. "Hi Niki, this is Stephany, I feel short…" My body says.

I glare at her through Edward's eyes but say nothing. Wow, Edward really _is _good at controlling himself…nice…

"I'm Jasper and thoroughly confused." Jak says. Bella quits checking herself out hesitantly and says, "I'm Jacob." Shinn/Edward glares and looks ready to kill Bella/Jacob.

Okay, so here's the low-down real quick for anyone out there who's confused: Niki (me) is in Edward's body, Stephany is in my body, Kiei is in Jacob's body, Jak is in Emmett's body, Shinn is in Stephany's body, Edward is in Shinn's body, Bella is in Alice's body, Jasper is in Jak's body, Emmett is in Kiei's body, Rosalie is in Jasper's body, Alice is in Rosalie's body, and Jacob is in Bella's body.

Whew! (A/N: When someone speaks I'll put the name of whose body they're in before they're own name, ex. "Someone wake me I must be dreaming to have a body like this!" said Kiei/Emmett; Emmett was the one who was speaking.)

"Jacob if you dare even look at my body like that again I'll beat you up for real!" Alice/Bella screeched.

'_But I like it!' _I heard Jacob think. _'This is so not cool, I'm not sexy!' _Shinn was freaking out while in Stephany's body. _'Ha dad looks pissed and for once I didn't do anything! Yes!' _Jak thought. _'I'm seriously going to destroy an entire nation once I get through with this…ordeal…' _Kiei thought angrily, seriously I think my brain almost caught on fire….woah…_ 'Well at least someone isn't trying to kill me…yet…' _Bella was thinking. _'I told everyone that this would happen but no one listened to me! No one ever listens to me! They'll pay though…' _Alice thought dangerously. _'Nice, now I'll definitely need therapy…' _Stephany thought. _'I'm hungry, dude does he ever eat or what?' _Emmett was also thinking. _'Having fun reading minds?' _Edward asked me and I grinned sheepishly and glanced away from him. _'This is so weird, Alice did warn us, I hope she isn't too angry.' _Rosalie thought.

And so on!

"Sweet, I can read minds. HA I JUST HEARD EVERYTHING YOU GUYS SAID AND I CAN AND WILL USE IT AGAINST YOU!!! BLACKMAIL IS AWESOME! WITH DOOM AND DARK-SIDE COOKIES! YEAH!" I yell and receive shocked, angered, and confused faces…mostly angered…eh heh.

I hear a low growling from Jacob/Kiei and look sheepishly at him. "Except you honey, eh heh." I say.

"Hey! What about me!?" Stephany/Shinn squeals and Niki/Stephany winces.

"Yeah! And me too! I'm your son!" Emmett/Jak yells.

"I'm hungry!" Kiei/Emmett whined. I glance at him and then burst out laughing. "What!? Why are you laughing at me!?" he screams. "It's just…you sounded…so funny!!!!" I say and laugh some more so I'm on the ground.

Shinn/Edward sighs and walks over to Alice/Bella

"I think we should go to Carlisle and see if he can sort this out. Maybe he wasn't affected." Jak/Jasper said.

"Finally you're making sense." Jacob/Kiei said.

"Hey! I always make sense!" Emmett/Jak yelled and frowned.

"I agree with Jasper-kun, this way!" I say and point toward the door.

"Could you please stop acting childish while wearing my skin? I would like to preserve whatever dignity I may have left." Shinn/Edward said.

I did the Once-Over Look and stated, "Honey, in that body you have no dignity at all." "Hey!" Stephany/Shinn yelled with affront. "Well it's true! Besides, it's a bit ironic with Edward most likely being the only virgin (besides me, Bella and Stephany) in the body who's probably had the most sex out of anyone (besides Kiei). In short, Edward you're in a sex addict's body for being a virgin." I add and grin evilly which looks almost as sexy as Kiei.

Shinn/Edward blushes and looks away and I can't help but to feel all wicked…Edward…all these evil thoughts! _Tsk, tsk_.

Alice/Bella glares at me and puts her arm around Shinn/Edward.

* * *

So I'm skipping along while everyone else is hoping I'll be speared of immortal torture and despair because both Edward _and _Kiei are glaring daggers at my sexy back but I don't really care so HA!

Finally we reach Vampire Mansion as I've dubbed it and Carlisle is at the door, waiting.

"Ah, you're finally back, that was an awfully long hunting trip…what's going on Edward? Why are you skipping and all smiles?" he asks and I get the most _wicked _idea (I'm having way too much fun with this I'm afraid)

"Oh, me and Bella finally had sex and it was great! How I could have stayed a virgin for however many years I've lived is beyond me! But I finally got that stick out of my arse, so it feels much better now!" Edward/I say and grin.

Carlisle's mouth is wide open in shock and then Shinn/Edward tries to tackle me but since I'm in Edward's rock hard vampire body and he's in Shinn's…sexy and strong but not as strong as marble body, he ends up falling down instead.

"That's a lie! We all switched bodies and this evil creature is stuck in my body and insists on making me look like a fool!" he shouts, beyond enraged. I might have overstepped my boundaries a bit…oops…

"Oh c'mon you know I was just kidding! I'm sorry Edward!" I say and hug him. He tries to push me away but…well look above why don'tcha!?

"Kiheada Ray Tsunami! Quit acting like me before my father recruits you!" Jacob/Kiei yells as he comes to stand by me, glaring warning signs of danger…and DOOM.

"Eek! Okay." I say meekly.

Carlisle is still shocked by this as we're all standing at his doorstep but finally regains his composure to invite us inside so we can begin the process of sorting everything out…TOO MANY BIG WORDS!!!!!

* * *

**-Author's Note: Not as crazy and random as I like it, but weird all the same, I know you must all despise me now for being so cruel to poor Edward, but…I COULDN'T HELP IT!!! EDWARD PLEASE FORGIVE ME!!!! (Clings to him while crying) **

**Edward: Nope! (Standing with arms crossed and head turned away)**

**Me: WAAAAAAAAA!!!!!**

**Kiei: See, that's what you get when you try to act evil, remember now why you're Christian?**

**Me: (sniffs) Oh yeah….**

**So now back to your other boring shows including: Jumping On Trampolines While Watching Airplanes Blow Up Could Be Educational To Your Deformed Mutant Robot Children Who Flinch From The Sun!-**


	4. Chapter 4: Down, Down

**Chapter 4: Know That We've Always Been Down, Down!**

**Disclaimer:**** I own all the OCs and my insanity is my own. The Twilight characters belong to Stephanie Meyer…lucky hoe, just kidding I love you!!!**

* * *

So we're all in the Cullen living room trying to sort out everything while Edward and Kiei are both glaring at me for being so…impish…because I'm not evil…NOT EVIL!!!! 

"Well, nothing like this has ever happened before, at least not that I know of. So I'm not too sure how to proceed." Carlisle says.

"Meow?" I say like a cat and tilt my head to the side.

Carlisle sighs and then I get an idea.

"Hey Kiei-kun, you're magically delicious. Can't you switch us all back?" I ask. Kiei who is in Jacob's body says, "I could if I had my body, Emmett would have to figure out how to switch us for me to help everyone else."

"Oh…do you know how this happened?" I ask again.

"If I did do you think I would be sitting around doing nothing?" he growled.

I sweat-dropped. "Maybe??" I say and scratch the back of my/Edward's head.

"Niki…you have some strange thoughts...I don't think I'll ever be able to look at you guys the same again…" Stephany who is in my body said with wide eyes. I sweat-drop again.

"Eh heh, just keep them to yourself and no one will get hurt Steph-chan!" I say with a hint of warning. Woah…

"MISO SOUP!" I scream for no apparent reason. "My bad…" I add when everyone turns to glare at me/Edward.

"Man, no offense Stephany but I'd really like to get back to my body…I'm just not used to feeling like this…and I think I have to pee!" Shinn who is in Stephany's body said while crossing her legs.

"Speaking of…" I say and Edward who is in Shinn's body groans.

"You have got to be kidding me!" he exclaims.

I pout and look hurt. "NOT COOL! NOW I'M GONNA CRY IN A CORNER!!!" I yell and run away fake-crying.

Jacob/Kiei rolls his eyes and goes after me.

"Aw! Come back Mutated Squirrel of DOOM!" Kiei/Emmett whines and chases after us.

It all got quiet for a moment while Bella/Jacob looked uncomfortable.

Just then, all the vampires started sniffing the air.

"I smell blood." Emmett/Jak says who is sitting next to Jacob/Bella. He turns to her with a curious look.

"Uhhh…" Jacob says, sweat-dropping as well. Alice/Bella blushes and says, "Jacob come with me." and leads him/her up the stairs.

"What was that all about?" Stephany/Shinn asks, looking confused.

Jasper/Rosalie slaps his face and says, "Bella is on her period!"

"Dude, I don't think she wants us to know about it, isn't that kind of embarrassing for a girl?" Emmett/Jak asks and looks at me/Stephany.

"Kinda…" She confirmed.

Jasper/Rosalie glared at Emmett/Jak for a moment until I came running back screaming, "YOU CAN'T CATCH ME! I'M THE GINGERBREAD MAN!!!" except I'm not in Edward's body anymore…I'm in Kiei's…so really everyone is thoroughly confused as to why he's running around screaming he's the gingerbread man and then come to the logical conclusion that…he's finally gone insane.

Emmett/Jak starts laughing uncontrollably until Edward comes back in with murder in his eyes. He sees me in Kiei's body running around and screaming but I don't see him as he growls and tackles me/Kiei.

And then everyone also assumes that Edward has somehow gotten his body back and…okay no, now they're just confused…again…

The real Edward in Shinn's body is looking on in confusion while thinking that I'm just strangling Emmett/Kiei for calling me Mutated Squirrel…but that's not the case, oh no it's not.

The reason Kiei, who is indeed in Edward's body now, is strangling me is because when he got Emmett to figure out how to switch our bodies I made it so I could get into Kiei's body to create further mayhem and destruction…but Kiei, who got switched into Edward's body, really wasn't too happy about that.

"GET OUT OF MY BODY BEFORE I RIP YOU TO SHREDS!!!" he roars and everyone looks extremely scared.

"Stop choking me and I might be able to!!! Hey, I'm stronger than you anyway! Ha! Take that!" I say and push him off of me and into the wall.

"WAHAHA!!!! NOW _I'M _SATAN'S SPAWN AND SHALL KILL ALL WHO OPPOSE ME!!! STARTING WITH MY/KIEI'S EVIL PSYCHOTIC RAPIST FATHER!!!!! DIE YOU BIOTCH!!!" I screech and run out while screaming…well…more like yelling demonically since it's Kiei who's really doing the yelling, but OH WELL YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO BE CONFUSED FOR THE MOMENT!!!

"You called?" Satan himself appears out of flames right in front of me/Kiei.

"You!" I say menacingly and point at him. He raises an eyebrow but says nothing.

"DIE!!!!!!" I scream and tackle him.

"What the!? This is the hundredth time you've done this now! You'd think the kid would learn not to mess with the King of Darkness!" Satan says and throws me/Kiei off.

"I SHALL NOT BE DEFEATED!!! I SHALL DESTROY YOU AND YOUR LITTLE DOG TOO! BAD TOTO!!!" I scream and then start laughing. Oops, not too cool…I'MA DIE!!!

Lucifer, the Devil, Satan, Chaos, whatever the HELL his name is comes up to me with that evil little smirk that just looks creepy on him and I know what he's thinking, why? Because Kiei's body is instinctively cringing and wanting to get faaaaarrr far away!

"Wait! That's Niki trapped in my body!" Edward comes up and yells.

Satan glances up at him with a quizzical look.

"Has everyone gone crazy then?" he asks.

"No! I'm Kiei stuck in Edward's body! That's Niki stuck in my body! She tricked me! That little Imp!" Edward says while looking at me angrily.

"Kiei-kun! I wanted to cut his balls off and shove them down his throat for you!" I tell him and get up.

"Really? Gee thanks…" he says.

Satan raises his eyebrow and then says: "So who am I going to torture then?"

We both sweat-drop and then I kick him in his butt, start laughing maniacally, grab Edward/Kiei's arm, and run off…still laughing maniacally, which I have to admit sounds cooler when Kiei is doing it…if a bit creepy…

* * *

**Back at Vampire Mansion**

"Is it just me, or do you have a bad feeling about this?" Stephany asks and they all nod.

Emmett/Jak stands up and puts his foot on the couch with his fist in the air. "LET'S GO FIND MY MOM AND DAD!" he yells like me and then takes off running…yep, he's my son alright!

Everyone else shrugs and then runs after him.

Carlisle is left alone and Esme finally shows up to give him that much-need backrub.

* * *

Stephany, Edward, and Jak all arrive there first to see Kiei still strangling me. Now I'm going to give you this image to remember for the rest of your life: Picture the sexiest guy you've ever seen (or who you think Kiei looks like, who knows you might be right! –winks-) on the ground with what you picture as Edward sitting _**ON TOP**_ strangling him. 

That's what Edward himself sees, and everyone else, and Shinn's face is as red as his eyes because Edward is blushing so it's making Shinn look like he's blushing…get the picture?

"Um, can you please stop and switch our bodies already? I already feel disgraced enough, and now the picture of my body straddling Satan's Spawn will forever be engraved in my mind." Shinn/Edward said.

"Eh?" I say with a choked sound because Edward/Kiei still has his hands around my throat.

"Oh, sure Edward. Up!" Kiei commands and I jump up.

"Ooo, that was fun…" I say and jump up and down in a circle. "WEEE! Jingly...hehehe." I say and Edward/Kiei calms himself and grabs Shinn's body and then grabs his and then…

…I'm in Shinn's body. WOOT WOOT!!!

"Ohhhhhh no ya don't!!!! Mine! GIMME BACK MY BODY HOE!!!" Stephany/Shinn screeches and grabs onto Kiei's arm and I'm being switched again.

Now I'm in Stephany's body and I didn't even get to have fun in Shinn's, although when I think about it that might be a good thing…anyway, I'm thoroughly dizzy now and Kiei has to hold me up while Stephany steps forward in my body and we're switched again.

"Ohhh, the pain…I think I'ma be sick." I moan and stumble around to eventually fall on my arse and then onto my back.

So far I'm back in my body, Kiei is back in his, Edward is in his, Shinn is in his, and Stephany is in hers.

I lay there watching the duckies swirl around my head as Kiei switches everyone else back to their bodies, Jacob pouting all the way because he didn't get to see Bella naked, the pervert. So then Edward and Jacob actually get into a fight and I'M MISSING IT!!! NOOOOOO!!!!

I lift my arms up in front of me and rise forward, like a zombie, and I stand up and walk toward the crowd where dust is swirling all around and we all know Edward and Jacob are fighting each other and I'M STILL MISSING IT!! I WANNA SEE I WANNA SEE!!!

I'm jumping up and down trying to see while Bella is yelling at them both and trying to get them to stop while Alice is yelling at Rosalie saying she told everyone these things would happen but no one would listen and Jak is hiding behind Shinn because Kiei is trying to "make sure he's okay" while Emmett and Jasper shrug and walk off so that leaves Stephany who grabs my arm and drags me to the front.

The scene is what I've always dreamed it to be!

Edward is _of course _straddling Jacob while growling and showing his sexy fangs while Jacob is trying not to show his fear and pain while also growling weakly (sorry Jacob I just can't see you as the victor no matter how many times I play it in my mind) and Bella gave up yelling and is leaning against a tree looking angry.

"Oooo ow ow! That's what I'm talkin' 'bout! Sexy! Woo!" I hoot and holler and then Edward turns his head slowly to glare at me and I squeak and run behind Kiei because Edward forgot all about his hatred for Jacob because he saw me (I dunno if that's a good thing or bad thing though).

"Woah! Hey, cool it!" Kiei barks while Edward is trying to get at me.

"Must. Kill!" Edward says through clenched teeth and I shudder in total fear.

'_I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I swear I'll be good just don't let him kill me I don't wanna die! I couldn't help it I'm just a hormonal teenage kid I don't wanna die yet I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I have flaws I'm merely human please don't hurt me!!!' _I'm basically thinking over and over again while cowering behind Kiei while he's trying to calm Edward down.

Wow…who thought that I'd be the one to break his cool control and make him act truly as his vampire nature suggests?? When I thought about doing that I didn't expect it to turn out like this! I really need to think more before I act…and speak…oh boy…I'ma die!!!

* * *

**-Author's Note: Will I die, or will I fry? Guess what!? You get to choose! That's right folks! Johnny, tell them what they've won!**

**Shinn: A new car!**

**Me: Not! BUT if you vote on whether Edward should rip me to shreds or calm down and have me beg for forgiveness or whatever else you come up with (please people be nice!) I'll dedicate the next chapter to all of you and give you cookies! (Cyber cookies of course, but still, cookies are good no matter how you get them!) So please vote and also tell me what you think of the story, flames will be accepted since I can just get Kiei to hunt you down and kill you anyway! Yay!**

**Shinn: So no new car?**

**Me: nope, no new car.**

**Shinn: Aw man! (Pouts)**

**Me: Remember to vote! Peace out!-**


	5. Chapter 5: Maybe I'm The One

**Chapter 5: Maybe I'm The One, Who Is, The Schizophrenic Psycho Yeah!**

**Disclaimer:**** I only own the OCs and my insanity!!! WOOT WOOT! Most of this chapter is scenarios that my friends and I came up with at school, so we basically own the plot. NO STEALING! Unless I give you permission to use them in your fics.**

_Thanks to __DragonWingedHanyou__ and __italiangurl__ for allowing me to live!! Cookies to you both!!!_

* * *

"Hey, hey, I wanna be a Rockstar!" were to be my last words because then Edward broke free from Kiei and RIPPED ME TO PIECES!!!

Just kidding, he didn't!! Yay Mutated Squirrel of DOOM! Now where was I? Oh yes…

While I was cowering behind Kiei-kun thinking my last thoughts Edward seemed to calm and then straightened.

"Just promise to be good from now on." He said with a glare…a sexy glare.

"I PROMISE!!!" I screamed. He flinched form my high-pitched voice but nodded all the same. _'I guess he heard my thoughts…so that means…I'M NOT GOING TO DIE!! HALLELUIAH!!!' _I thought to myself.

"Oh my gosh it's Edward and Jacob!!!" I heard a familiar voice yell and saw yet another of my friends (who I don't own by the way) come running towards us.

"Michelle! How'd you get here??" I asked after we hugged. She didn't seem to hear me though, since she was drooling at all the sexy Ishes, a.k.a Edward, Jacob, Kiei, Jak, and Shinn (Jasper, Emmett, and Carlisle are not here).

"Oh, Michelle, this is Kiei-kun, Jak-kun, and Shinn-kun! You know, who I've been telling you about? And of course Edward and Jacob." I say, all smiles.

She stares at all of them with her eyes wide and mouth hanging open but nods in acknowledgement.

"Oh, and this is Stephany, she goes to school with us!" I say and drag my poor friend over to my other friend.

She finally snaps out of her staring and decides to glomp the closest person to her which is… (drum roll please)…EDWARD!!! Poor Eddy-kun…but IT'S NOT ME! SO HA!

So he's glomped and actually falls to the floor, Jacob starts howling with laughter while I scoot away looking innocent and actually whistling.

Michelle gets up and then glomps Jacob while squealing, then Kiei, Shinn, and Jak start laughing while Edward gets up and starts brushing himself off.

Then she gets up again and tackles Kiei…I try to restrain myself but unlike Edward I have no self-control…

"MINE! MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE!"I scream and tackle her.

Shinn's eyes are wide and he scoots away from Kiei so that I won't tackle him next.

"But, but, he's so _sexy_!" she whines.

"Yes, but he's also _**MINE**_!" I growl.

"Okay, okay I won't mess with him then." She assures me and then glances to Jak who is standing there…not really doing anything…just kinda standing there…looking all smexy…

"Him on the other hand…" she says and gets that evil smirk on her face. Jak's eyes go wide as he makes the "Say what now!?" face and prepares to run for it…

"Mine!" Kiei says and growls while grabbing Jak.

"See, I told ya." I told her.

She pouts but then turns to Shinn. "Shinn-kun!" she squeals and glomps him.

"Ello!" he chirps and before we can stop them they run off together to do God Only Knows What. We all stare after them with a sweat drop until I hear Bella whispering something to Edward and trying to drag him away.

"What is it, love?" he asks and touches her face. She glances at Jacob and grins before giving Edward the Biggest Ultimatum of his Life:

"Edward, you have two choices; either choose me but deal with me whining because I can't be friends with Jacob anymore, or… (another drum roll please)…THREESOME BABY!!!" she yells.

He goes completely still, looking shocked, as she grabs for Jacob.

"What do you think Jake?" she asks him.

He glances warily at the still shocked Edward and then grins, shrugging. "As long as I get to be with you, Bella, I don't care. Besides, he _is _kinda hot." He replies.

They both turn to Edward whose mouth is now open in surprise and topaz eyes widened to the extremes, it seems we're all holding our breath for his answer.

I see, out of the corner of my eye, Kiei wrapping his arm around Jak's waist and I scowl and then go to his other side, sliding my arm around his waist and grinning wickedly at him. He returns the expression…in a much sexier way…hehehe.

Michelle and Shinn heard the question and ran back so are now standing beside Stephany who is also watching in shock.

"OO OO! SAY YES! SAY YES!!" Michelle yells while jumping up and down.

"Yeah! That would be sooo sexy!!" Shinn and I add and wink at him. TWIN ACTION BABY!!

"Uh Edward? Hello?" Bella asks and waves her hand in front of him. He blinks, then twitches, then…

"Okay."

"WOOOHOOO!!!!!! YEAH YEAH! SEXY! OW OW!" we all start cat-calling and whistling and cheering.

"I've actually had a secret crush on Jacob anyway." He added and flashed a grin. Bella screams and somehow hugs them both.

"OO! Can I join!? FOURSOME!" I yell. Edward turns to glare at me while the other two look somewhat apologetic.

"Sorry, but that would just be awkward, besides, you have Kiei." Bella answers and then they all skip away.

"BEAVERDAM!" I curse, cross my arms, and pout.

Kiei frowns and then starts tickling me. Jak takes this opportunity to slink away…until Shinn grabs one arm while Michelle grabs the other and they both drag him away to…do stuff…of which I won't write here…

Stephany is looking kinda sad and out of place so I wiggle out of Kiei's hold and glomp her.

"Stephany!" I yell and grin at her. She giggles and then we link arms before skipping off singing the DOOM song…Kiei follows us…I think…

We end up back at Vampire Mansion with Carlisle, Esme, Emmett, Jasper, Alice, Rosalie, Jak (who escaped form Michelle and Shinn but not unscathed), Kiei, Stephany, and me.

We're all just sitting around being quiet so I decide to break the silence.

"Hey guess what?"

"What Mutated Squirrel of DOOM?" Emmett asks.

"Yes, what's on your mind, Niki?" Carlisle asks.

"I'm thirsty…" Jasper whines. Alice pets his head and he grins and purrs…don't ask me how...it's kinda like a growl…but not as threatening…hey it could happen!

Rosalie is looking at herself in the mirror and the others look to me with the expression "Oh boy, what's gonna happen next?"

So I take a deep breath and…

"MY VAGINA'S GONNA EAT YOU!!!" I scream and then start laughing raucously. Jak blushes and covers his ears while screaming, "IT BURNS!!" Stephany shakes her head and covers her face with her hand. Kiei is resisting the urge to either laugh or tackle/rape me, Emmett starts laughing and high-fives me, Jasper and Alice stop and then shake their heads like Stephany, Esme faints (poor Esme…) and Carlisle…stares at me with a weird expression.

"I'm sorry; it was going to burst from me sooner or later." I apologize when I can breathe again.

"Nice." Kiei says with a smexy look on his face. I grin wide with my eyes closed and then poke Jak who scoots away from me with a mortified expression on his face.

"Hey Jasper, I wanna show you something!" I exclaim randomly and then take out five safety pins.

He looks at me warily, as does everyone, so I slowly get up, then quickly grab his arm and run off, laughing wickedly.

I take him to a remote area of the woods and make him sit on a log. Then I take one safety pin at a time and stick it into the skin just under my finger. I do it to each finger as he watches in horror, although no blood has spilt yet.

"Look! I have Safety Pin Fingers!!! Cool eh?" I ask and wiggle them in front of him. He nods slowly, still warily, not sure of my intentions.

"That was it…" I said and then just stand there, swaying side-to-side.

He gets up and then I jump around and start to run, but…my fingers brush against a tree and the safety pins are pulled out, blood leaking from each finger.

His eyes go wide and then he tackles me, grabbing my hand and sucking the blood out of each finger. I squeak and he moans, eyes fluttering.

"Edward!! Your crazy brother has finally gone off the edge! Help!!" I scream. A moment later he's there and throws Jasper off of me. He lunges for my hand again but is held back.

"Jasper! What's gotten into you! Why did you drag her out here to bite her!? THAT WAS MY JOB!!" he growls at his little brother who cowers in fear of him. Jasper hangs his head in shame as I get up.

"Oh it's okay, it wasn't really his fault. I put safety pins into my fingers and then accidentally brushed against a tree and they ripped out." I said cheerfully, licking the blood from my fingers.

They both look at me weirdly and Edward shakes his head.

Bella stumbles through the woods with Jacob and Kiei appears as well.

"Hey you know what I just realized?" I said while looking at Edward and preparing to make a run for it after my comment.

"What?" Bella asked. I turned to grin at her wickedly and then turned back to Edward.

"Well, since vampires are technically dead, blood flow can't circulate through their bodies, meaning one of two things." I say and take another step towards an escape route.

Edward and Jasper are now looking at me suspiciously, trying to guess at what I was about to embarrass them with.

Michelle, Stephany, and Shinn enter the small clearing and I grin at them and wink.

"Well, one, poor Edward and Jasper here either _can't _get a boner, OR because of their rock-hard bodies they _always _have a Hard On!" I say, and then laugh wildly as I run away. Michelle and Shinn start laughing while the two smexy vampires look embarrassed yet slowly angry. Bella blushes and then starts to giggle before full out screeching with laughter while rolling on the floor. Kiei glares after me since he's part vampire as well…

And suddenly they all hear a scream and a flash runs past them…followed by…THE VOLTURI!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!!!!

"Where is she!? Must. Have. Blood!" Aro yells.

"Where is who?" Edward asks, looking shocked.

"The human girl! Not Bella, but the other one! She dares to mock me!" he seethed. Kiei got into a protective stance and growled, and Aro quickly straightened.

"Oh, Chaoson, hello there, so nice to see you." He said. (1)

"Hey, where's Niki?" Michelle asked and they all started looking for me.

"Meow."

"What was that?" "I think it was a cat." Where did it come from?" they asked and looked all around for the source of the noise.

"MEOW! MEW MEW MEW!" it came again.

Kiei looked up and stifled a laugh, because I was clinging to the tree trunk with all my might, my extremely long nails digging into the bark as I stared down at them with a livid expression.

"There she is! Get down here so I can empty you of your blood!" Aro bellowed.

I hissed at him.

"What did she do?" Kiei asked.

"She made fun of the way I speak with others! She mocked me! Me and all of us!" he said.

Jane, Felix, and Demetri nodded and glared up at me.

I suck my tongue out and started making faces. "Na-na-na-na-na-na!"

Everyone except the Volturi sweat-dropped as they finally realized my inability to learn from my mistakes, either that or I was truly demented and had a death wish.

Kiei sighed, Edward rolled his eyes, Jasper looked stunned, Michelle and Shinn were laughing, Stephany also looked shocked, and Bella looked close to hysterics. Whether she thought I was being funny or crazy I couldn't tell.

The Volturi members gasped and then tried to grab me from the tree.

"Get down here you demented little child!" Aro screamed.

"That's it!" Jane said and tried to use her little torture-thingamajig talent on me.

"OH THE PAIN! I CAN SEE THE LIGHT! FATHER I'M COMING HOME!!!" I screamed and then laughed…until I fell. "Oof! Not cool." I mumbled and rubbed my head.

Jane was glaring at me with pure hatred and Felix and Demetri were crouched, ready to attack. Kiei got in their way, in front of me, and said, "She's mine, you won't touch her." In a threatening yet still sexy voice.

I saw Edward herding Bella away since she hadn't been changed into a vampire yet and Jasper was following. Stephany was looking on in morbid curiosity while Shinn and Michelle were eyeing Felix and Demetri.

"Yeah! Can't touch this!" I said and started making the noises that followed the lyrics of that song while jumping up and down in a circle as always.

Kiei turned to glare at me so I stopped and grinned up at him sheepishly. "My bad."

"Are you sure I can't tear her limb from limb, at least?" Aro asked.

"I can do that on my own, thank you." Kiei replied curtly. A part of me hoped he was only kidding, but you never know…

Just then, Jak burst through the clearing with Jacob and the rest of the Cullen family.

"Ah, hello Carlisle, nice to see you again." Aro said cheerfully.

"What the freak! She was right, you _are _weird, and not in a good way either." Jak said.

"You dare mock me!?" Aro replied.

"Uh, duh, I just did." Jak said and rolled his eyes.

Kiei smacked his forehead in exasperation.

"Jak, stay out of this." He growled.

"NEVAH!!!" the boy replied, fist in the air.

I started laughing and he grinned. Jake stood beside him. "Yeah, get outta here Bloodsuckers!" he said.

"A Werewolf? This is madness! Have you gone completely insane Carlisle, to allow these…these lunatics to be around your family!? We must kill them all!" Aro exclaimed. Jane, Felix, and Demetri looked eager to fight.

"I may have gone insane, but you're unwelcome and outnumbered, so back off!" Carlisle barked. I squealed like a fan-girl and clapped.

"Are you challenging us?" Aro asked, narrowing his eyes.

"Dude, are you slow or what? Of course we're challenging you! Come on, let's go! You wanna piece of this!?" Jak asked and got into a fighting stance.

Aro looked bewildered and then crouched low, growling at Jak who in turn growled back while black markings started to appear on his arms.

"Oh no you don't!" Kiei said and got in front of him. "You're no match for them, Jak, just get out of here!" he ordered.

"No way! I WANNA FIGHT!!!" he yelled.

"How dare you try to challenge us! We'll rip you to pieces like we should have done years ago!" Jane replied and also crouched low.

"Yeah right! In your dreams!" I said, getting defensive. She bristled and growled at me. I growled right back, darn it! NO ONE THREATENS MY FAMILY AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!!!

"I suggest you go back to Italy, Aro, before things get messy." Carlisle sneered.

"I will not allow this, do you hear me!? You'll pay, all of you!" he said and then they all ran away like the PUSSY COWARDS THEY ARE!!!

"YEAH! RUN AWAY YOU SISSIES!! DON'T COME BACK OR YOU'RE DEAD!" I yell and throw pinecones at them.

I hear a very familiar growl and turn slowly to see Kiei glaring at me.

"Uh…hi honey!" I say and grin. He still glares. Shinn started to usher everyone away, the Cullen family complied, Michelle pouted and grabbed Jake's arm, dragging him away, and Stephany glanced back worriedly before leaving with Shinn. Jak remained by my side, still in a defensive mode.

"You should really think about controlling yourself, or next time I won't stick up for you." Kiei said in a low, cold voice. My smile vanished and I hung my head, staring down at my shoes with a sad expression on my face.

He turned his glare to his son who bristled and moved a bit to stand in front of me.

"I told you never to go into Demon mode, you can't control yourself, so don't even try it next time. And don't make your mother your role model; she's crazy enough without having you encourage her by mimicking her. I'm disappointed with both of you." He said.

Jak narrowed his eyes. "I can act however I want to, and besides, she's a great role model, yeah she makes some mistakes, but she's just trying to have fun! If anything I'll learn not to insult the Volturi! Lighten up and get that stick out of your ass! Even Edward isn't as rigid as you are!" Jak snapped and then led me out of the woods.

Kiei stood there, glaring after us, before he smiled and then vanished into flames.

* * *

**Vampire Mansion**

I experienced another of Edward's "I-walk-into-all-the-wrong-situations" when we arrived back at Vampire Mansion to find a very…interesting scene.

Bella kissed Edward who was sitting next to her who in turn kissed Jacob who was seated next to him who then kissed Stephany who blushed and pecked Shinn on the cheek (but then he grabbed her and went all tongue because she didn't kiss him right) and then he kissed Michelle who kissed Jasper who kissed Alice who kissed Rosalie who kissed Emmett who then kissed Esme (on the cheek) who kissed Carlisle who kissed Bella (on the cheek).

"Holy crow, are you guys having a make-out chain or something? I WANT IN THIS!!!" I yell.

"Okay, come on Niki and Jak!" Shinn said and ushered us toward him. "I don't feel very comfortable with this so I'll step out." Stephany said, still blushing.

I was about to ask her what was wrong, or at least try to cheer her up 'cause she looked kinda down, but then Shinn was kissing me. Man is he a good kisser! No wonder Kiei still has him around! (And why he keeps getting kidnapped by random demons, but that's in a different story)

So now Jake is kissing me and I kiss Shinn who kisses Jak and he kisses Michelle. That is, until Kiei comes back. He still has that whole protective thing, but since I wouldn't look at him he only dragged Jak out of it who whined and went all teenager on him.

He sat Jak next to Stephany and then went to talk with Carlisle. Esme got out of the chain quick after giving Bella a quick peck on the cheek.

"So vampire boys, you never answered my question. I honestly wanna know about this. Are you able to have kids, get a boner, anything?" I asked curiously when Edward and Bella's kiss lasted longer than a minute. Jacob tried to get in that but opted to simply grope Edward and Bella instead.

Jasper narrowed his eyes while Emmett looked either shocked or amused, I can never really tell with him. Alice and Rosalie giggled, already knowing the answer to that seemingly obvious question.

But seriously, I've been wondering about that. I mean, I don't think vampires can have babies (unless you believe the Van Helsing stuff about vamps) but what about the other stuff? Since they're dead would they not have to pee and stuff like that?? And I'm sure the female vamps don't have their periods (lucky hoes).

After a bit of glaring jasper finally sighed and opened his mouth to explain.

* * *

**-Author's Note: Yes, a cliffhanger. Why? So you could all offer your opinions on the matter. What are your thoughts on vampires? Here's your chance to tell that interesting theory you've had for some time, I'd love to hear it! And which ever one occurs the most or the one I like the best will be the explanation for the next chappy, m'kay? Now back to your regularly televised program of: Sea Gulls, Pianos, Muffins, and Bras; the interesting life and times of Jumping Trees!-**


	6. Chapter 6: How Does It Feel?

**Chapter 6: How Does it Feel?**

**Disclaimer:**** I only own the OCs. Thanks Stephenie Meyer for clearing up the question!**

* * *

_After a bit of glaring Jasper finally sighed and opened his mouth to explain._

"Well, to be blunt, sexual arousement is still present in male vampires, and we secrete fluids similar to seminal fluids which carry the same genetic information as human males and are able to bond with female eggs. A male and female vampire couple could not get pregnant, but a male vampire can impregnate a female human. Female vampires do not have menstrual cycles and their stomachs cannot expand to host a child, since they stop changing and growing. So yes, we can get a boner and we can get human girls pregnant." He says.

Everyone besides the vamps and Kiei bust out laughing…why, I'm not really sure…it just seems funny for some reason…

Edward whips his head around and glances at Bella who grins at him.

"No! I could break you in half if I tried to screw you!" he says (for those of you who haven't read Breaking Dawn yet…I'm sorry…).

"Nuh-uh! Please! Me want babies!" she screeches.

"Woah…either someone gave her too much sugar…or I've finally rubbed off on her!" I exclaim and glance at Kiei who has an odd look on his face.

Jak looks from me to his father, who is about a quarter vampire.

"Sooo….what does that make me? Am I a miracle child? OOO!!! I'm special!" he exclaims and I start laughing again.

"Yes, yes you are, Ed." I gasp out and roll on the floor. He frowns and starts kicking me.

"Meanie!" He shouts and pouts.

It is then that I notice Michele scooting closer to Kiei with The Look.

"Ohhhhhh no ya don't! Mine!! Mine Mine Mine!!! No touchy!!!" I scream and tackle her.

He raises an eyebrow but says nothing…Me thinks this is strange…but is too angry at Michele for whatever evil idea popped into her head involving **MY **Kiei to really notice.

"I just wanted to ask him some questions! I'm curious okay!?" she screeches and my ears start to bleed.

"But…but…mine!" I whine and pout.

Shinn pokes me. "_Ours_ you mean." He says with another Look.

"WHY IS EVERYBODY GIVING ME WEIRD LOOKS!?" I scream and start to hyperventilate.

"Niki, calm down." I hear a calm voice say and I fall over with swirlies in my eyes.

Sweatdrop.

"I'm okay!" I exclaim as I jump up.

"So…can I kidnap him now?" Michele asks, one arm linked with MY KIEI'S.

I twitch and glare at her with a scowl and she turns on the full force of her puppy-eyes.

"Nooo! It burns! I can't refuse the cuteness!! Must…resist….oh curses! Go ahead." I say and grumble to myself with my arms crossed as Michele skips off with an oddly quiet Kiei simply walking after her.

Everyone is quiet.

I hate quiet.

"So guess what I thought of?" I ask and everyone groans. I pout and sniffle. "Fine, don't hear my funny nicknames for you guys that are in no way perverted no lie." I say and trudge off.

"Oh it's alright, you can stay and tell us your nicknames, I'd love to hear them." Alice tells me and I hug her.

"Thanks! You're first then. Since your name is Alice I simply call you Alice of Wonderland! Not exactly original or funny but it makes sense." I say.

"Sweet, I love it." She replies with a smile.

"And Edward is," I pause and scoot away from Edward for he has an evil look before I say his name. "Eddy Van Cullen! Instead of Eddy Van Halen, the lead guitarist in Van Halen." I say.

"Aw, that's cute." Bella says and pinches his cheeks.

"Jasper is Jasper the Friendly Vampire,( instead of Casper,) and Carlisle is of course Dr. Fang." I add.

"I actually like that." Carlisle and Jasper both reply and I beam.

"Uhhh…I can't think of any others at the moment…." I say.

More awkward silence…..

"DAAAAAA!!!!!!" I scream and start running around crazily.

"Mom, chill!" Jak says.

"Yes, please stop screaming, our ears are very sensitive…" Edward tells me. I shut up and sit down in the middle of the floor, making strange animal noises.

Everyone glances at each other with a knowing look but don't say anything.

Suddenly, the Swirly Black Hole of DOOM opens up. Jak and Shinn start floating upwards into it, and I gasp and try to keep hold of their hands, but the Hole swallows them up and they disappear into the Black Abyss.

Michelle and Kiei come back, and I look to him, wondering what's going on.

"Thanks for the chat." Michelle tells him, he nods and then comes up to me.

"Good luck with the rest of your life, whether you'll see me again or not I cannot tell you, but for now; Goodbye." He tells me, a serious and unreadable expression in his black eyes.

"What do you mean?" I ask, crying.

"It's time to let go of us. Don't be afraid to face reality or to get close to people, you don't need us anymore. You don't need me anymore." He says. He hugs me but I can't move, and then he's gone, vanishing also into the Black Abyss as the Swirly Black Hole of DOOM closes up.

A bright light flashes and when I open my eyes, everything appears the same.

"What just happened? Where'd they go? Why…" I ask in a weak voice, falling to my knees.

"What do you mean? Niki, are you okay?" Carlisle asks. I look up at him with a confused expression.

"Kiei, Jak, Shinn, they're gone; didn't you see the Swirly Black Hole of DOOM?" I ask.

"Who? What Hole?" Alice asks.

"What, you don't remember? Alice, did you see that this would happen? Why didn't you tell me!?" I ask angrily. If she saw us coming and all the chaos we would cause, surely she'd seen them leave…

"No, I don't know what you're talking about. Maybe you're just tired because of everything that's happened so far. Get some rest; we'll make sure the Volturi don't try to attack." Alice replies with a concerned look.

"Yeah Mutated Squirrel of DOOM, you must be tired after having to face them, in fact, I don't think you've slept since you got here! You or the other two humans." Emmett tells me.

I look to Stephany and Michelle and they smile at me.

"Yeah, you're right, it's been crazy, we should sleep." Stephany says and yawns.

I look at Michelle and she smiles again. "What did he tell you, what did you ask him? Why can't anyone remember?" I ask her, searching for answers that can't be found.

"Who and what are you talking about? Girl, have you gone delusional?" she asks, grinning.

I stand there for a moment and then look to the sky. Fine, if that's how it's gonna end, then so be it.

I turn back to her and smile, "Yeah, maybe. Causing all this mayhem and destruction messes with your mind, let's hit the hay!"

She laughs and we all find rooms within Vampire Mansion to sleep in while they watch out for the Volturi.

I stare up at the ceiling in what must be Alice's room, hoping that I can get through sleeping without my usual dreams.

Tomorrow…who knows what'll happen?

* * *

**-Author's Note: So….it got a lil sad and serious at the end, but that was something I needed to do, I promise more fun will be had in the next chappy, but no more Kiei, Shinn, or Jak. Please review and tell me what you think! Any suggestions, comments, criticisms, or ideas are welcome! Now back to: Don't Let Monkeys Rule the World or the Banana Republic Will Cause A Debate and Spongebob Will Marry A Hippopotamus The Size of A 'Shroom…oh and don't do drugs, they mess with your mind.-**


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